Breaking News

Week six of my participation in the Indie Ink Writing Challenge. My challenge this week comes from Tobie, the challenge:

How did you get invited to the Royal Wedding (William & Kate)?

I am going to be bluntly honest, I couldn’t give less of a fuck about the Royal Wedding. My work this week basically reflects that fact, as kind of a rant.  Though I will say that I took a lighthearted approach to it, and writing it ended up being a lot of fun.

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So you want to get invited to the Wedding Extravaganza Event of the Century™, but you are neither rich nor famous? It’s really not all that hard to do, and I shall tell you how. It’s really about two simple words: media exploitation. Study those words, learn them, love them, live them, for they are the key to getting into the Royal Wedding™.

Here’s the thing, for whatever reason people seem to really care that two people they have never met are having a ceremony that will have no effect on them at all. Ever. That means that every single media outlet out there is going to be covering the bajeezus out of this Event. As a matter of fact, CNN is sending twice as many journalists and photographers to the Royal Wedding™ than they have sent to Libya or Japan. And you are going to take advantage of this fact.

What you need to do is simple: London is going to be a chaotic shitstorm of activity this week, and I guarantee that you are going to run into some reporter or photographer at some point. And they will most likely be stressed and frazzled with minute by minute scoops about the Royal Wedding™. Maybe they got a scoop on the guest list, or maybe they found out who is making the cake. You know, serious stuff. Anyways the point is that they will be seriously seriously distracted by important breaking news. All you need to do is steal their press pass.

Honestly, that’s it. More than likely it will only say “Press Pass – Sky News” or something, though I can already hear you asking, “but what if they have a picture?” Easy, you just need a wallet sized photo and a laminating machine. And this goes without saying, but make sure you steal the pass of someone insignificant, if names are on the pass then you sure as hell can’t steal Katie Courics or whatever (I assume she is going to be there, it IS the biggest story of the year, after all).

On the day of the Royal Wedding™ make sure to arrive early, but not too early. Don’t be the first ‘journalist’ to arrive, but you sure as hell can’t be the last. Both could cause suspicion. Also, remember to bring either a professional camera or if you’re too cheap for that (which let’s face it, you are) just bring a writing pad and a utensil to write with. I would highly suggest you wear a fedora to put your press pass on, because you ARE a ‘journalist’ after all. At least for the purposes for this Event, and you gotta play they role seriously.

Oh, and on second thought, the camera would probably be a fantastic investment. Funny story, and this is true, you know those trashy celebrity gossip magazines? Well they are paying upwards of $100,000 for candid photos of What’s-Her-Face. The Bride, or whatever. Hide in the bushes and get a few photos of her in her bridal underwear and you could make some serious bank.

And once the wedding has completed you can leave that night knowing that you managed to con your way into the Biggest Most Awesome Media Event Blitzkrieg Ever™. Did it amount to anything? Did you experience something special? Is your life changed forever? Will you be able to join the rest of us proletariat down here in the real world again, because I mean, you were at the Wedding. You were at the center of the world for a day, though if you ask me, the center seems more like the eye of a storm. Empty, with everything else happening in the periphery.

By, the way, I do charge for giving out this valuable advice. I accept cash, checks (made out to ‘Cash’), all major credit cards and Pay-Pal. And if you do manage to get that Bridal Panty shot, I am also entitled to a 15% service fee.

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3 responses to “Breaking News

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